Parenting is such a roller coaster…and not the good, fun, and quick kind. No. More like the long, too fast, to scary, think you might die, screaming from nervousness and happiness, never want to do that again kind. Like most parents, I have good days and I have bad days. Today was a bad day, a very bad day.
I have three kids. My oldest daughter (Alex) is nine. She is my girl! I just love watching her grow up. She’s funny, smart, kind, beautiful, and so much more. The last year this have been a little rocky. She’s definitely hit the tween stage and I don’t think I’m ready for it. As a family we are working together to navigate through these complicated time. We are dealing with very typical things such as back talk, disrespect, honesty, attitude, etc. Usually we do okay and no serious damage is done. But tonight was different. I’m not sure what did it but something just push me off the deep end. I did not handle the conflict well and I know I allowed my anger to get the best of me. After all the damage was done, I knew that I needed to humble myself and apologize. I waited until I was calm and had a long talk with Alex. We both apologized, hugged, and talked it out. But something felt off. A few hours went by and I kept playing what happen over and over in my head. Trying to figure out where I went wrong and how I could have handled it differently. I felt a huge amount of shame and guilt and more than anything I felt sadness. I made myself just stop thinking and go to sleep, hoping a new day would help shake the feelings.
When I woke up this morning I felt exactly the same. I knew I was missing something and as I sat there thinking I remembered it was good friday. And I thought to myself “Jesus gave his life for me today. So that I can be freed from sin and live a life of forgiveness. But if I don’t accept the forgiveness then it’s like he did it all for nothing” and just like that something clicked. I had allowed the shame and guilty to consume me. They took control and I couldn’t shake it because I hadn’t asked for forgiveness, the very gift that was given to me when Jesus died on the cross. I immediately started to pray and I felt so liberated. The gift of forgiveness is so real. So powerful. And today I am reminded again that I can accept and live in that freedom all because he loved me enough to give his life for me.
So all this to say this: sin is a sure thing in my life. No matter how hard I try fight it. No matter how hard I pray against it. But, 2000 some years ago God sent his only son to die on a cross for my sins and because of that I am free. I am so thankful.